Whats going on

I'm struggling again with the voice in my head. It's not anyone else it's definitely mine but keeps telling me to hurt myself and others. Last week it was telling me to burn myself with a can of petrol and everyone else I care for.

It's getting harder every day to fight with it I know it's wrong and I talk back to it telling it that it's wrong but it will not go away. I've been the doctors and out on antidepressants and referred to the mental health team, but I'm still waking up just wanting to end my life I'm worried I'll give in with all my health problems it's starting to make sense arguing with me saying why suffer anymore I'm not going to get any better.

I wish it would go away just let me be the happy person I was I hide it from everyone I didn't want people finding out because i don't want to be locked away never to be seen again. But I've been getting rage it's strange I'll be in bed and all if sudden just get this feeling of rage. I'll tense up wanting to lash out for no reason. It's hard to not do this but it's not me I've never been like this I've always been the joker the class clown.

I'm worried.

whats the point anymore ?

I've been away from here for some time now, it's been a strange few years and now I find myself stuck wanting to end my life. I no longer see a reason to live apart from my girlfriend.

She just had her 50th birthday party yesterday I used every penny I had to pay for it. It wasn't the best but I did everything I could. Only to be treated by everyone apart from her and my family even talking to me. I got called "Tony" who is my girl friend's x husband. Her eldest son decided to do the thank you to all the guests who was a guest's himself.

I've not seen my daughter for 9 years now. She's not even on Facebook no replies from her sisters brothers or even her mother.

I lost my car after someone crashed into me and I had to take the blame so I didn't end up in prison because it was 2 against one.

I feel like I'm fighting with every breath just to keep going. Waiting for the great black hole to join me and carry me away from all this. I keep wanting to set fire to myself constantly having this little voice telling me that everyone would be better off without me. I'm starting to find it harder to fighting its getting stronger every day I try to fight it and ignore him.
The is no point seeking "professional" help as they just want to fob me off like everything belse I go to them for.

I'm hoping something or someone might rescue me before I sink to low but I have no one to talk to anymore no friends, my family have their own issue's. I just wanna sit in a corner and cry but I've never been like that I cried once as an adult when my grandmother died.

If you read this then you shouldn't be and please stop and forget you did I don't want sympathy or anything just to be left alone

the day before the day after that begins the next day

Well today's been fun not really done much, well that's a lie i went and collected me car today and was made to drive it home. my grandfather who's helping me pay for this was to nervous to. It's such a nice car its nothing new it is a Astra 1.6 automatic in a green/gold color runs like a dream and handles well.

Went to the cinema today with Caroline wish i could work her out, i think it is just going to be friends yet she treats me like I'm more then that. anyway the film was good we watched Knowing with Nicholas Cage. Little far fetched was the ending but then i guess what else could you ask for.

evil monkeys rule!!

Hello all hope the worlds keeping you sane, its been a good old time since the last time i had the urge to come on here a post but i can't sleep so why not. To start off with today was such a fun day for me the first day back in work after all this double and time and a half thing in work was going on seem to spent most my day saying who was phoning, i can't really go into that to much as i don't wanna get told off or lose my job. Apart from that i had a lady ask me for a good PC from PC-world, " yus yus - lazy i know".


I'm getting a car tomorrow, signed me self up for £1500 of debt with my grand father but hey could be worse i could be like someone we don't mention *cough*, Unsure what he wants to do with insurance though do i get me own once i pass me test or will he want me to pay his. then again i still need to sort out my theory test thingy my god i keep failing by 1 question. but today i got 47 i nearly died tried again after that and failed got a 42 so lets not get cocky ear.

I'm thinking of going the flicks tomorrow with a "female friend", I really wanna go but can i put up with her strong attitude though she does tell me off well when i say something wrong. it's kinda strange i like her and I've told her more then once I'm sure maybe when I'm drunk more so but yet i have never had a response to it. Yet on Monday she came hunting for me around Hoylake after i said i would call her at some point in the day, well i said when i get home but i have to admit at this point i did spend an hour in work and an hour in hill's.

Guess i should try go sleep now must be up early Wednesday is shopping day god i hate early mornings roll on Thursday i get to sleep in.

My brother

Well this will make you all laugh, my brother told me the a few months ago that he wants to become a female, it's already taking the female hormone without any support from his GP. The thing that gets me is. It's still has all his tackle and yet wants me and my girl friend to call him by a females name.



For his birthday I bought him £10's worth of boots vouchers but he refused to take them off me twice because i had put the name Adam on it.



He has to be one of the most self centred people in the world, at the age of 31 he still takes money for his cigarettes off are grand mother who is in her mid 80's and has very little income. He cooks for himself then leaves the pots and pans all over the kitchen for her to clean up. Smokes inside the house without thought for anyone else and plus the fact are grandmother had TB twice in her younger years and only has one lung now.



As you can see I'm not a happy chappy at the moment when it comes to this but no matter what i say to my grandmother she just says "he needs help", I say he needs to leave and stand on his own to feet and stop sponging off the rest of us.

The end of my smoking

Yes it's true i have bitten the bullet and given up smoking at long last. It is now day 11 of my as a none smoker, it's not been so easy b a long shot but i would not be here if it was not for my other half linda.

The idea on me giving up smokes was from when i woke up at 2am with a pains in my chest after 16 years of smoking nearly 20 a day. now using pacthes and will power i am sure i will be abule to kick the habbit for good. Also i founf out that the dvd's i made for lin's sister are just what they wanted so im happy.

A sad day In the life of earlobes

Today i found out that my 4 year old daughter who i left in London with her mother (Amanda), has been put on the at risk register. I have to say that this is not a surprise to me in any way, her mum's such a slob. I only found out when the Amanda's mother phoned me to find out the e-mail address for the man that Amanda kicked me out for.

From what i can work out from three phone calls one from Amanda's mother plus social service, the child was taken away from Amanda around Christmas time for X number of weeks. they where returned to her after she showed that she could manage the house work but the eldest child refused to go back.

So now things seem to be in mess for my daughter. I don't want come across as the bad man in all this but how can I just stand back and watch my daughter be abused in this way, I don't have any bond with my daughter what so ever, Amanda has done everything she can to stop me from speaking to her as i live in Liverpool now. My plan is to get the bond back with my daughter and be there if she needs me as i refuse to see her go into care, if your reading this then i would like you to remember that there are people out there that love there kids and yet there ex-partners make it hard for them to keep contact so don't be that person.